Funny English

____________________________________________________________
English
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . .



There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so............ Time to shut UP.....!

You Could have A Pin Drop

> *When in England at a fairly large conference, General Colin Powell
> was
> asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq
> were just an
> example of empire building' by George Bush. He answered
> by saying, 'Over
> the years, the United States has sent many of its fine
> young men and
> women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our
> borders. The only
> amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough
> to bury those
> that did not return.*
>
> *You could have heard a pin drop*
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------
> Then there was a conference in France where a number of
> international engineers were taking part, including French
> and American.
> During a break one of the French engineers came back into
> the room
> saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has
> done? He has sent
> an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami
> victims. What does
> he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood
> up and replied
> quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board
> that can treat
> several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can
> supply
> emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have
> three
> cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
> people three meals a day, they can produce several
> thousand
> gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they
> carry half a
> dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims a nd
> injured to and
> from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how
> many does France
> have?'*
>
> *You could have heard a pin drop*
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------
> *A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that
> included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian,
> Australian and
> French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself
> standing with a
> large group of officers that included personnel from most
> of those
> countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they
> sipped their
> drinks but a French Admiral suddenly complained that,
> 'whereas Europeans
> learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He
> then asked, 'Why
> is it that we always have to
> speak English in these conferences rather than speaking
> French?'
> Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe
> it's because the
> Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you
> wouldn't have
> to speak German.'
>
> *You could have heard a pin drop.*
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> -------------------------------
> AND THE BEST FOR LAST ...*
>
>
> *A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to
> France
> on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83,
> arrived in Paris
> by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to
> locate his
> passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France
> before, monsieur?'
> the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting
> admitted that he
> had been to France previously. 'Then you should know
> enough to have your
> passport ready.' The American said, 'The last time
> I was here, I didn't
> have to show it.' 'Impossible. Americans always
> have to show your
> passports on arrival in France !' The American senior
> gave the
> Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
> 'Well, when I
> came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help
> liberate this
> country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it
> to.'
>
> You could have heard a pin drop.*

Quiz Time

If you can answer all these quiz you may be a wiz This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers

1. Name the one sport in which, in olden times, neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only four words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."


Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which, in olden times, neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . . Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ... Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle,dwadle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "S". Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

Lunch With God

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with a bag of potato chips and a six-pack of root beer and started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old woman. She was sitting in the park, just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry, so he offered her some chips. She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him.

Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered her a root beer. Again, she smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat
there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As twilight approached, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave; but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old woman, and gave her a hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked, "Mother, what did you do today that made you so happy?" She replied! "I ate potato chips in the park with God." However, before her son responded, she added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of

which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime! Embrace all equally!

Truth About Love

I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me.
Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."

This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.


This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you .

For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.

Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.

It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."

Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away.....

Life is beautiful!!! Live it !!!

POSITIVE THINKING

Here is something for you to thinkRead this. It is a 100% challenge that u will have a wrong answer to the question asked in the passage.

Once there was loving couple traveling in a bus in a mountainous area. They decided to get down at some place. After the couple got down at some place the bus moved on. As the bus moved on, a huge rock fell on the bus from the mountain and crushed the bus to crumbs.

Everybody on bus was killed.

The couple upon seeing that, said, "We wish we were on that bus" Why do u think they said that?
-
-
-
-
-



Come on try hard.....

------------------- Answer !!!! -------------

If they had remained on the bus instead of deciding to get down, the resulting time delay could have been avoided and the rock would have fallen after the bus had passed ...!!!

Think positive in life always and look for opportunities when u can help Others.

LAWS OF NATURE

LIGHT YOUR MOOD...... LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will! LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

40 ways to live life

40 Tips for an

Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life!

These are really very powerful ~

implement whenever you can.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day.

And while you walk, smile.

It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Record your late nights shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning

complete the following statement

'My purpose is to____ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's --

Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Watch more movies, play more games

and read more books than you did in 2007.

7. Make time to practice meditation,

yoga and prayer.

They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70

and under the age of 6.

I spend all day with a 70 yr. old.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants

and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water.

Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon,

broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

(let me be the one among them-J)

13.. Clear your clutter from your house,

your car, your desk and

let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip,

energy vampires, issues of the past,

negative thoughts or things you cannot control.

Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school

and you are here to learn.

Problems are simply part of the curriculum

that appear and fade away like algebra class

but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king,

lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid.

17. Smile and laugh more.

It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously.

No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument.

Agree to disagree..

22. Make peace with your past so

it won't screw up the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others.

You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. Burn the candles, use the nice bed sheets,

don't save it for a special occasion.

Today is special.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words:

'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. What other people think of you

is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything.

Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

So stop complaining about the weather,

the job, the rents etc etc

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.

Your friends will

Stay in touch.... (?!)

32. Get rid of anything

that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

33. Envy is a waste of time.

You already have all you need.

34. The best is yet to come.

35. No matter how you feel, get up,

dress up and show up.

36. Do the right thing!

37. Call your family often.

38. Each night before you go to bed

complete the following statements:
'I am thankful for ___.'

Today I accomplished ____.

39. Remember that you are

too blessed to be stressed.

40. Enjoy the ride.

Remember that this is not Disney World

and you certainly don't want a fast pass.

You only have one ride through life

so make the most of it and enjoy the ride!!!

Conditioning Of Mind

I was passing the elephants, I suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.


I saw a trainer near by and asked why these beautiful, magnificent animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. "Well," he said, "when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it's enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away.


They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free." I was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn't, they were stuck right where they were.


Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before?

FEMALE HEART ATTACK

NURSE'S HEART ATTACK EXPERIENCE

My Friend is an ER nurse and this is the best description of this event that I have ever heard. Please read, pay attention, it may save someone's life.


FEMALE HEART ATTACKS

I was aware that female heart attacks are different, but this is the best description I've ever read.

Women and heart attacks (Myocardial infarction). Did you know that women rarely have the same dramatic symptoms that men have when experiencing heart attack ... you know, the sudden stabbing pain in the chest, the cold sweat, grabbing the chest & dropping to the floor that we see in the movies. Here is the story of one woman's experience with a heart attack..

'I had a heart attack at about 10 :30 PM with NO prior exertion, NO prior emotional trauma that one would suspect might've brought it on.
I was sitting all snugly & warm on a cold evening, with my purring cat in my lap, reading an interesting story my friend had sent me, and actually thinking, 'A-A-h, this is the life, all cozy and warm in my soft, cushy Lazy Boy with my feet propped up.

A moment later, I felt that awful sensation of indigestion, when you've been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich and washed it down with a dash of water, and that hurried bite seems to feel like you've swallowed a golf ball going down the esophagus in slow motion and it is most uncomfortable. You realize you shouldn't have gulped it down so fast and needed to chew it more thoroughly and this time drink a glass of water to hasten its progress down to the stomach. This was my initial sensation---the only trouble was that I hadn't taken a bite of anything since about 5:00 p.m.

After it seemed to subside, the next sensation was like little squeezing motions that seemed to be racing up my SPINE (hind-sight, it was probably my aorta spasming), gaining speed as they continued racing up and under my sternum (breast bone, where one presses rhythmically when administering CPR).

This fascinating process continued on into my throat and branched out into both jaws. 'AHA!! NOW I stopped puzzling about what was happening -- we all have read and/or heard about pain in the jaws being one of the signals of an MI happening, haven't we? I said aloud to myself and the cat, Dear God, I think I'm having a heart attack!

I lowered the footrest dumping the cat from my lap, started to take a step and fell on the floor instead. I thought to myself, If this is a heart attack, I shouldn't be walking into the next room where the phone is or anywhere else ... but, on the other hand, if I don't, nobody will know that I need help, and if I
wait any longer I may not be able to get up in moment.

I pulled myself up with the arms of the chair, walked slowly into the next room and dialed the Paramedics... I told her I thought I was having a heart attack due to the pressure building under the sternum and radiating into my jaws. I didn't feel hysterical or afraid, just stating the facts. She said she was sending the Paramedics over immediately, asked if the front door was near to me, and if so, to unbolt the door and then lie down on the floor where they could see me when they came in.

I unlocked the door and then laid down on the floor as instructed and lost consciousness, as I don't remember the medics coming in, their examination, lifting me onto a gurney or getting me into their ambulance, or hearing the call they made to St. Jude ER on the way, but I did briefly awaken when
we arrived and saw that the Cardiologist was already there in his surgical blues and cap, helping the medics pull my stretcher out of the ambulance. He was bending over me asking questions (probably something like 'Have you taken any medications?') but I couldn't make my mind interprets what he was saying, or form an answer, and nodded off again, not waking up until the Cardiologist and partner had already threaded the teeny angiogram balloon up my femoral artery into the aorta and into my heart where they installed 2 side by side stents to hold open my right coronary artery.

'I know it sounds like all my thinking and actions at home must have taken at least 20-30 minutes before calling the Paramedics, but actually it took perhaps 4-5 minutes before the call, and both the fire station and St. Jude are only minutes away from my home, and my Cardiologist was already to go to the OR in his scrubs and get going on restarting my heart (which had stopped somewhere between my arrival and the procedure) and installing the stents.

'Why have I written all of this to you with so much detail? Because I want all of you who are so important
in my life to know what I learned first hand.'

1. Be aware that something very different is happening in your body not the usual men's symptoms but inexplicable things happening (until my sternum and jaws got into the act). It is said that many more women than men die of their first (and last) MI because they didn't know they were having one and commonly mistake it as indigestion, take some Maalox or other
anti-heartburn preparation and go to bed, hoping they'll feel better in the morning when they wake up ... which doesn't happen.
My female friends, your symptoms might not be exactly like mine, so I advise you to call the Paramedics if ANYTHING is unpleasantly happening that you've not felt before. It is better to have a 'false alarm' visitation than to risk your life guessing what it might be!

2. Note that I said 'Call the Paramedics.' And if you can , take an Aspirin.
Ladies, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!

Do NOT try to drive yourself to the ER - you are a hazard to others on the road.
Do NOT have your panicked husband who will be speeding and looking anxiously at what's happening with you instead of the road.
Do NOT call your doctor -- he doesn't know where you live and if it's at night you won't reach him anyway, and if it's daytime, his assistants (or answering service) will tell you to call the Paramedics. He doesn't carry the equipment in his car that you need to be saved! The Paramedics do, principally
OXYGEN that you need ASAP. Your Dr. will be notified later.

3. Don't assume it couldn't be a heart attack because you have a normal cholesterol count. Research has discovered that a cholesterol elevated reading is rarely the cause of an MI (unless it's unbelievably high and/or accompanied by high blood pressure). MI's are usually caused by long-term stress and inflammation in the body, which dumps all sorts of deadly hormones into your system to sludge things up in there. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep.. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life.

**Please be a true friend and send this article to all your friends (male & female) you care about!**

7 WORDS

Question: See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1 Banana
2 Dresser
3 Grammar
4 Potato
5 Revive
6 Uneven
7 Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?

Give it another try . Look at each word carefully.
(You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.)



This Is Cool.
Answer:
No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.


Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

LANGUAGE PROBLEMS

There was this Asian lady married to an English Gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she wanted to buy pork legs. She went to the butcher. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know what to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher what she wanted. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy some bananas. She brought her husband to the store. What did she do?

>
>
What were you thinking of?

Her husband speaks English! Now get back to work, and watch your mind!

PERFORMANCE

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Computer technicians do it with hard drives
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Engineers do it to specification (eg RF engineers do it with frequency)
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbage men come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants pump all day
Housewives do it for an allowance
IT programmers cannot do it without software
Jockeys gallop hard but finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it on the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
But worst are those bloody politicians ~
ALL THEY DO IS TALK ABOUT IT

Real Life

"U love someone
U marry someone else.

The one u marry
becomes ur wife or husband

And the one u loved
becomes the password of ur mail id"

---------------

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.

There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.

---------------

Three dreams of a man:


To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...

---------------


Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is the liver & wife the kidney.

If the liver fails, the kidney fails. If the kidney fails, the liver manages with other kidney.

---------------

Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.


---------------


What's the diff between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like a girlfriend, that comes with an expiry date and

Daru is like a wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.


---------------

Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?

Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or
wife Be-Gum ho jaati hai.

---------------


The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed
it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

The Indian Mind

An Indian man walks into a bank in
New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Indian man hands over the keys
and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian
for using a $250,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns,
repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?



The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the Indian...


This is why India is shining.

Disorder in Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

How To Tell The Sex Of Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.



Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Predictions

Mr. Juseleeno, born in 1960(reportedly still alive in 2008), is a Brazilian who has made many predictions, and MOST have come to pass, including Princess Diana's death by car accident (which is instigated by someone near her and will probably unfortunately be written off as a car accident), 911 and the 2004 Indonesian tsunami. He sees the future in his dreams, and has an average of 3 to 9 such predictions per day. When he wakes up, he will write them down, and send warnings to those concerned. If it concerns only a normal individual, he will write a letter to warn him/her. If it is a famous person(celebrity, politician etc.), or matters concerning the public, he will not only send it to the individual himself/herself, but also related agencies, government, and media. He urged the media to publicise these predictions, but the reply always went along the lines of rejection for fear of arousing public panic.
Future predictions:
2008, July: There will be an earthquake in Japan , which will cause a tsunami of 30 plus metres high to occur as well.
2008, 18th September: An earthquake with magnitude of approximately 9.1 will rock China , simultaneously causing a tsunami of more than 30 metres to occur, resulting in the deaths of more than 1 million people. Although this huge earthquake will happen after the Olympics have ended, there will be a series of relatively smaller earthquakes occurring in China before the huge earthquake. The China government, which is more concerned with the success of the Olympics, will most likely neglect to employ appropriate cautionary measures, thus the high casualty rate. If the China government does not publicise the occurrence of these minor earthquakes and evacuate people, the number of deaths will be as predicted.
2008, 17th December: terrorist attack in America
2010: The temperatures in some countries of Africa could be as high as 58 degrees Celsius, and there will be a serious shortage of water.
2010, 15th June: The New York Stock Exchange market will fail, causing an international financial crisis.
2011: The research on the treatment of some cancers will be completed, but a new life-threatening virus will appear. People who are infected will die after only approx. 4 hours of coming into contact with the virus.
2013, 1st – 25th November: Research on treatment of cancers, except for brain tumors, will be completed. An earthquake, caused by volcanic eruptions, will happen on Bahama Island of the Canary Islands . A gigantic tsunami of roughly 150 metres will result. America mainlands, Brazil etc. will be affected, with the tsunami pushing into the land as far as 15 to 20 kilometres. Before the occurrence of this gigantic tsunami, the sea/ocean water levels will sink by about 6 metres, and large flocks of birds will start to migrate.
2014: A small planet that has been gradually closing in on Earth might eventually collide with Earth, and this collision, if come to pass, will affect the survival of humans as a whole.
2015: By the mid of November, the average temperature of Earth could be as high as 59 degrees Celsius. Many people will die from the overheat, and international confusion and terror ensues.
2016, April: A huge typhoon will invade China , causing massive damage. The 43rd USA president, George Walker Bush, will enter the hospital, and faces a life or death situation.
2026, July: A super earthquake will occur in Sans Francisco, and it will be named "The Big One". Huge damage to surrounding areas. Many volcanoes will re-activate, and the height of resulting tsunami will be more than 150 metres.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Mr. Juseleeno made known his predictions in hopes that people will take heed of his warnings, so that these disasters may be avoided. He hopes there will be a major change in the thinking of people's mindsets in the time period 2007 – 2008. One factor will be the environmental issue of global warming, which is more serious than what some meteorologists assume.

Quatable Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~' Lillian , you should have remained a virgin.'
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)



I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns



Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
-- Groucho Marx



Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine



I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope



I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields



We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers



Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill



Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller



By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal




The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.