I HAVE FEW DOUBTS.....

1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)
2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the
whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)
3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)
4. Can you cry under water? (let me try)
5. Why do people say, "you've been working like adog" when dogs just sitaround all day? (I
think they meant something else)
6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)
7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)
8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)
9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch)
10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from vegetables,then what is baby
oil made from? (No comments)
11. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)
12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they rememberthat they
forgot? (can somebody help )
13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)
14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)
15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be !
Able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)
16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what
happens?
17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)
18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go
that fast on any road?
19. If drink drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars?

Because I'am a man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

OLD IS WHEN.....

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
********

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.
*********

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,
********
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going bra-less
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
********
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.
********
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
********
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fibre today.
********
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot.
********
'OLD' IS WHEN....
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes!

Laws Newton Forgot

More often than not this is bound to happen to you!!!

LAW OF QUEUE:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF THE TELEPHONE:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE:
People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE:
As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

And LASTLY
LAW OF LOVE
The person who loves you most is the last person in your list

QUICK THINKING

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral : Some men can still think fast.

Answer That

v
Question: An elephant was in love with a she-elephant. But the she-elephant went and got married to some other elephant. So our elephant was very Depressed. One of his friends felt sorry for him, and took him to a park to cheer him up. In the park, they sat on a see-saw, but the see-saw broke.
Now, which song would our hero sing?
Ans: 'See-saw ho ya dil ho, aakhir toot jaata hai.'

Question: Two hairs on a bald man's head fall in love with each other and want to get married, but cannot. Why?

Ans: Because under Indian laws, 'baal vivaah' is illegal.
Question: One fine morning, Ravan felt guilty day for all his bad deeds.
He felt that he should go an apologise to Ram for all the problems he had caused. So he went to Ram's house and knocked on the door. Ram opened the door and was surprised to find Ravan standing there. Ravan just kept staring and thinking but didn't say a word. What was he thinking?

Ans: 'Kis mooh se maafi maangoon?'

Question: How do you 'cut' roads?

Ans: By laughing... because 'Haste haste cut jaye raaste'.

Question: Luv and Kush are going to a village and pass by a well. Luv falls into the well. Why?

Ans: Because Luv is blind.

Question: Now, Kush also jumps in. Why?

Ans: Because Luv ke liye saala Kush bhi karega!

Question: Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai?...........
........Socho, socho. Nahi pata?

Ans: D'Cold; Because... Chan ki saans - D'Cold
Question: Chalo ab batao, Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai?
...........

............ This one's really simple...

Ans: D'Cold again... Kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi
A railway station beggar meets another beggar.A software engineer meets another software engineer. Both of them ask the same question to each other. What is the question?

'So, which platform are you working on?'

Question: What do you call a person who is leaving India?

Ans: Hindustan Lever.

Question: What do you call a person who leaves India, but doesn't travel much?

Ans: Hindustan Lever Limited.

Question: In an elephant school, some loafer elephants were hanging around in the canteen. A *** female elephant passes by. What do the loafer elephants say about her?

Ans: Look yaar, 36000 - 24000 - 36000!!

Question: Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha. Uska naam kya tha?

Ans: Adidas
Question: Who is Joe?
Ans: Kambakth ishq... Because 'Kambakth ishq hai Joe!'

Question: The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'my heart is an umbrella'. Which movie did he really want to see?

Ans: Dil Chhaata Hai.


Woh kaun sa hindi geet hai jis main 'Internet Explorer' ka zikar kiya gaya hai???

Hint: The heroine also refers to herself as Internet Explorer.

If you don't know...

The answer is... Maine Pyar Kiya.

And the song goes....

Aajaa shaam hone IE (Internet Explorer)
Mausam ne lee angada IE
To kis baat ki hai lada IE
Tu chal........ Main IE !!!

Funny English

____________________________________________________________
English
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . .



There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so............ Time to shut UP.....!

LAWS OF NATURE

LIGHT YOUR MOOD...... LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will! LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

7 WORDS

Question: See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1 Banana
2 Dresser
3 Grammar
4 Potato
5 Revive
6 Uneven
7 Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?

Give it another try . Look at each word carefully.
(You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.)



This Is Cool.
Answer:
No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.


Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

LANGUAGE PROBLEMS

There was this Asian lady married to an English Gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she wanted to buy pork legs. She went to the butcher. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know what to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher what she wanted. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy some bananas. She brought her husband to the store. What did she do?

>
>
What were you thinking of?

Her husband speaks English! Now get back to work, and watch your mind!

PERFORMANCE

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Computer technicians do it with hard drives
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Engineers do it to specification (eg RF engineers do it with frequency)
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbage men come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants pump all day
Housewives do it for an allowance
IT programmers cannot do it without software
Jockeys gallop hard but finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it on the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
But worst are those bloody politicians ~
ALL THEY DO IS TALK ABOUT IT

Real Life

"U love someone
U marry someone else.

The one u marry
becomes ur wife or husband

And the one u loved
becomes the password of ur mail id"

---------------

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.

There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.

---------------

Three dreams of a man:


To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...

---------------


Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is the liver & wife the kidney.

If the liver fails, the kidney fails. If the kidney fails, the liver manages with other kidney.

---------------

Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.


---------------


What's the diff between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like a girlfriend, that comes with an expiry date and

Daru is like a wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.


---------------

Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?

Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or
wife Be-Gum ho jaati hai.

---------------


The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed
it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

The Indian Mind

An Indian man walks into a bank in
New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Indian man hands over the keys
and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian
for using a $250,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns,
repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?



The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the Indian...


This is why India is shining.

Disorder in Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

How To Tell The Sex Of Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.



Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Quatable Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~' Lillian , you should have remained a virgin.'
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)



I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns



Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
-- Groucho Marx



Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine



I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope



I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields



We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers



Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill



Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller



By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal




The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

A LITTLE TRIVIA

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Pravda Godbole
Date: Wed, May 14, 2008 at 12:09 PM
Subject: Fwd: FW: A little trivia information!!!!!
To: mallikamulherkar@gmail.com, aryaanaik@gmail.com, shritubhawsar05@gmail.com, nvengo@gmail.com, casdide@gmail.com, ipsitasmile@gmail.com, umarasik@gmail.com


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Hemant Ogale
Date: Wed, 14 May 2008 05:40:07 +0000
Subject: FW: A little trivia information!!!!!
To: abhay nazare , aditi.a.ravetkar@cummins.com,
ajit kittur , amol ravetkar ,
aniket , arati.apte@indiatimes.com, Helen
James , Madan Nerli ,
mayuri mucchala , Mrinal Bhole
, nitin joglekar ,
nitin shahade , paresh parekh
, pravda.aashay@gmail.com, rajeev deshmukh
, ravi talele ,
sameer , Shammi Kumar
, shweta godbole , sneha
gunaga , thomas charu ,
UVG





























Please scroll slowly and read until the end....It only gets better!
A little trivia information "Stewardesses" is the longest word
typed with only the left hand .. And "lollipop" is the longest
word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally,
didn't you?) No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that
ends in the letters "mt". ? (Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from
birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to
try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same
whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.) There are only four
words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous,
horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are
you?) There are three words in the English language that have all
five vowels in order: "abstemious", "education" and "facetious." (Yes,
admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u) TYPEWRITER is the
longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the
keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out) A cat has 32
muscles in each ear. A goldfish has a memory span of three
seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is.) A "jiffy"
is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the
only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for
three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!) Almonds
are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than
its brain. (I know some people like that also) Babies are born
without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6
years of age. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history
not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals
have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the
line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. The average person's left
hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six
inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was
invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar
melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.) The winter of 1932
was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. There are
more chickens than people in the world. Good thing I am non-Veg.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women
blink nearly twice as much as men. Now you
know more than you did before!! The Rain-Thomas Kinkade This is a
Thomas Kinkade painting It's rumored to carry a miracle! They say if
you pass this on, you will receive a miracle. I am passing this on
because I thought it was really pretty, and besides, who couldn't use
a miracle?!

Fly With Us

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a southwest airlines employee: "there may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "thank you for flying delta business express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a northwest flight announced: "please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a southwest airlines employee: "welcome aboard southwest flight xxx to yyy. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and, remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest airlines."

8. "your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. But please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "we are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the pa and announced, "ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing: "we ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "thanks for flying xyz airline." he said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in phoenix, the flight attendant got on the pa and said, "ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "we'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

A Joke

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says , "Dark in here." The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500
The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now."

Two Liners

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST
ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime